Havemos Papa was written in 2005 – Copyright Paul M Hellings

“Havemos Papa!” The voice rang out over across St. Peter’s Square. “Havemos Papa!” …”We have a Pope!” not to be confused with “Havemos Papas!” “We have potatoes!” which would have been more welcome news to the starving of the world and far more relevant to most people.

A new Pope, so what? Yet, it’s big news to the millions of Roman Catholics who look to the “Holy Father” for spiritual guidance. The new Pope or “Pontiff” is to be known as “Pope Benedict the 16th” replacing his previous name of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger . Papal experts have stated that the 78 year old Cardinal Ratzinger is a “Conservative” as opposed to all the radical, open minded, wacko Popes of the previous years, apparently.

Pope Benedict ( the Holy See ) served in the German military in World War II, so his present job is quite the extreme change as he will now be able to merely ignore people of other religious backgrounds rather than be encouraged by his superiors to kill them.

The Vatican, seat of the Roman City fitted out with traditional “Jamming Devices” to block any “bugs” that might have been placed by militant Protestants. After only three ballots, a surprisingly short amount of time, Cardinal Ratzinger was able to parlay his knowledge of the inner workings of the Church and it’s main players, into the seat of ultimate power. “Heavenly Coup, Batman”. White Smoke emitting from the temporary chimney announced to the world that a new Pope had been chosen.

So what’s going to change within the Catholic Church now that Pope Benedict has ascended to the Throne? Nothing.

What is going to stay the same? Just about everything else, guilt, repentance, absolution, sin, more guilt, confession, sodomy….you know, business as usual.

Well then, you might ask, if nothing much changes why is this all such a big deal? Because, the Pope is GOD’S REPRESENTATIVE ON EARTH!! How about that?!!. From the moment he put on that funny hat he’s no longer an aging ex- nazi, no indeed. From that moment forward , every word that comes from his mouth is GOD’S WORD. Or so the Catholic Church would have us believe. Personally, I’m not so sure. I mean if I were God, why would I use smoke signals to pick some old gray guy to be my mouthpiece? If I really wanted to get my word out, wouldn’t I just get myself booked on, say…THE O’REILLY FACTOR??. Way more effective, better ratings for sure and I would think that even O’Reilly would be intimidated with GOD sitting in the interview chair. I can hear it now “We’re taking about a guy who created a whole world in seven days, sounds like a bunch of baloney to me, but I report, you decide”. God could easily get Prime time right? So why the whole Pope thing? Does anybody really believe that anymore?

Apparently not many. Catholics in the US are staying away from church in droves, preferring a Venti at Starbuck’s to bending the knee at St. McGee’s. Many Latino’s, too, are turning to more, shall we say, enlightened religions these days. Really now, what does the Catholic Church have going for it anyway? Guilt & Sin, not to mention the child molesting Priests, it’s a lot to swallow (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

This is not to say that sometimes the Pope can’t have something relevant to say. Pope John Paul, for instance, was opposed to the war in Iraq. Nice, But what was his motive really? I believe that the Pope is jealous of the Islamics. Just look at the statistics. Oh sure, being a Catholic is more fun if you just like to suck down some Guiness or Irish Whiskey, but if you want real fun, you have to give the nod to the Islamics. Blow up a bunch of Americans and you’re guaranteed a spot in heaven, with SEVEN Virgins thrown in to keep it from getting boring. How does the Pope match that deal? I mean go confess to a Priest that you masturbated and you get handed a bunch of “Our Fathers” uh, well bad choice of words there, I guess “Hail Mary’s” would be more politically correct. The point is, if the Catholic Church even thinks that’ll work in real life, just ask the Priests how well it works for them? On second thought it’d be better to ask someone who knows about abstinence. Is there anyone around who knows about abstinence???? Anyone?? Nope, I didn’t think so.

“Havemos Papa” just isn’t going to get the job done anymore. Until the Catholic Church wakes up and brings themselves into, say, the eighteenth century for starters ( the 21st century being too great a leap) they’re never going to get it.

Then again , we elected Bush, didn’t we?