Washington D.C.
December 16, 2003

The Department of Homeland Security has issued an alert regarding a recently uncovered Terrorist Group. Details are sketchy about this latest threat,headed by a figure known only as "San Taclaus" and his organization "El Ves". It is believed that the shadowy group is operating in or near the northern part of Canada. Tom Ridge, Director of the Department of Homeland Security, has stated that Canada is known as an "Entry Point" for Terrorist and Extremist Organizations, due to it¹s liberal immigration policies, lax security
standards and ever-increasing anti-American attitudes."Apparently this is some kind of Spanish terrorist organization" Ridge said.The CIA has confirmed that the words "San" and "El" are from the Spanish language.

"As head of the Department of Homeland Security, I have mobilized all the resources available to me, to combat this latest threat. Whatever this
Taclaus  fellow is up to, we will pull out all stops to thwart his plans"said Ridge.

In an unusual move, Department of Defense Secretary Rumsfield stated  "What we know about El Ves and their leader San Taclaus is that we don¹t know what
they¹re up to. What we don¹t know is the unknown. That is what we are trying to determine before the as yet to be determined event does or does not take
place”. Rumsfield went on to say "We are working with the Department of Redundancy Department to make sure that our back-up plans have been backed
up" Rumsfield added "At this point, we¹re not sure what we¹re afraid of...only that we have something to fear".

A senior administration official has told us that the government has reason to believe that San Taclaus has the capability to cross our national borders at will and is able to gain entry to literally any and all American homes. "Our intelligence sources have informed us that Taclaus and his El Ves plan to enter random homes in the homeland and leave packages disguised as gifts"
said the official who insisted on remaining anonymous. "Taclaus knows all about our Christian tradition of having everything we want, and plans to take advantage of it to deliver a 'surprise' to us".

President Bush has said that he has little new information on the group buthas "pretty darn good intelligence" that El Ves have been working for most of the year on the "Presence" that they plan to deliver in within the next few weeks. "Bring 'em on!" said Bush. "We took out whats-his-name and we've got that other guy hiding somewhere, we can deal with this San whatsis guy"

Citizens are being warned to remain on the alert for suspicious activities. El Ves members and San Taclaus operatives are reportedly well entrenched in most American cities, with cells operating in shopping centers and even on street corners. "They are talking to our kids" said a CIA official "They¹re trying to find out what they want" he said "....and they¹re planning on giving it to 'em" he added, ominously.

In a press release later in the afternoon Tom Ridge added a few chilling details to his earlier sketchy pronouncement. "They¹re very thorough" said Ridge "They¹re making a list, and checking it not once, but twice and we've been told that they know when we¹re sleeping and when we’re awake" Ridge said that he regretfully was planning to raise the alert level from Yellow (Medium ) to Red (Imminent Threat) "I have no choice" he said "San Taclaus
is coming to town!"


Reporting for the Phantasy Press Association
Pablo H. Moriarity
(aka Paul M. Hellings)