The Biden Administration announced today, in a move sure to anger Republicans, that it was initiating a new program to add benefits for a certain class of senior citizens. The new law, enacted by Executive Order, will add up to 15% to Social Security benefits and reduce the costs of Medicare Part C, for qualifying Seniors. The requirements to be part of the class of Seniors are:

1. Must be over 75 years of age in the current calendar year.

2. Must use the phrase “back in my day” or “when I was your age” at least three times weekly. 

3. Must refer to anyone more than 25 years younger than them as “young man / woman” or “young ‘un.”

4. Must refer to anyone more than 40 years younger than them as “kids” as in “kids these days.”

Extra points are awarded for these behaviors. Each 10 points will add 1% over the base increase to Social Security benefits:

1. Using both a belt AND suspenders on pants.

2. Having a license plate frame on your car denoting your years of military service or your affiliation to a fraternal organization, VFW, Elks Club, Shriners, Masonic Order, etc.

3. Insistence on only paying for everything in cash or writing a check.

4. Regular use of a golf cart not on a golf course. 

5. Having a landline.

6. Having a VHS player and / or Cassette player.

Republican Leaders have expressed their opposition to this proposed Executive Order. House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy vowed to actively oppose the new order saying, “Those old people should just be grateful for anything they get and have no business taking revenue away from the wealthy in our Great Nation.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, when asked about the proposed Executive Order stared blankly at the camera for a full 30 seconds before being led away by his aides, Upon returning to the lectern 5 minutes later, he commented that “Biden is too old to make any useful…..uhhh. What?”

Media Pundits are predictably commenting, with Joe Scarborough saying “This is another example of Trump trying to escape from his crimes!” Sean Hannity offered his opinion that “The Deep State and George Soros have sunken to new depths and the Obamas have both had sex-change surgery.” 

President Joe Biden, when announcing the order said “It’s a great day in America, when a football card can be used at any store. Curmudgeons of any color or Fast Food Affiliation can now eat Wheaties.”