What’s in a Name?

The pace of development has been increasing rapidly in my area, Northeastern Florida. Apparently, people moving here only feel safe and happy in “Housing Developments” which, for the fortunate few who have been spared seeing them, are huge plots of land that are designed to squeeze in as many homes on tiny lots as possible. The range from the truly tacky, minimum amenity types of places to the truly tacky, maximum amenity types. The inmates, I mean owners, are required to pay for the privilege of living in these places not only in the form of purchasing the shoddily constructed home and paying property tax to the State, but they also have to pay a fee to the local HOA ( Home Owners Association) and, if they are REALLY upscale, a second fee to the DEVELOPMENT which contains the individual neighborhood.

The list of things that are annoying about Housing Developments is long and depressing so, in this missive, I will focus on one of the more absurd and humorous things that they all seem to have in common. When a DEVELOPER decides to DEVELOP some land for a DEVELOPMENT one of the first thing they do, after deciding how tightly they can pack humanity into the given space, is to NAME the Development. They MUST have a name emblazoned on a tower or a large wall or walls. Usually there will be a gate or guardhouse to keep the riff-raff out. Those developments with a guardhouse are usually perceived to be populated with “higher class” residents than those that merely have a gate and intercom. Some Developments have the Wall or Tower but no access control, with only the name on the exterior structure to convey at least a little exclusivity to the Development.

The name will, frequently, have absolutely nothing to do with the nature of the Development although, occasionally, they will be hilariously non-apropos. Some of my favorites are:

1. Markland – I don’t know why this name was chosen….do you have to be named “Mark” to live there? Or is merely aspiring to “Markness” sufficient. My middle name is Mark. I wonder if I’d be allowed in to drive around.
2. Murabella – Translates to “Beautiful Wall”. How is that a name for a housing development? Are all the walls in all the homes supposed to be beautiful? I somehow doubt it,
3. Grand Oaks – The namesake of this article. I call it “Dead Oaks” because it used to be a forest with Oaks, Sweet Gum and Pine Trees. They mowed them ALL down and bulldozed acres and burnt the dead and knocked down trees. THEN they put up the mandatory gate walls emblazoned with the majestic name “Grand Oaks”. It will be “Dead Oaks” forever in my mind. 
4. Whisper Ridge – Okay….it’s Florida, our “Ridges” are basically curbs. We don’t really have hills or valleys or ravines or ridges. As for the “Whisper” part. that’s just a “Huh?”
5. Windward Ranch – It’s hard to imagine a “Ranch” being a development lot of maybe 100’ x 100’ when your “Ranch House” is 10’ away from your neighbor’s “Ranch”. If that’s not bad enough, “Windward” is not a fixed direction, it means going towards the wind. One day that might be East, another day it might be South West or North East. I doubt if any of the “Ranchers” have a clue.
6. The Ravines – As I’ve mentioned before, there are no ravines in this development. The closest thing to a ravine might be a retention pond where stormwater runs off. That would be advertised, undoubtedly, as “Waterfront”.
7. Beacon Lake – No lake, just a big hole where earth was excavated to build homesites, also known as a “borrow pit”. I guess the Developers didn’t think the name “Beacon Borrow Pit” would be a big seller, so the went with Beacon Lake. In the name of consistency, however, while there is no lake, neither is there a beacon. 
8. Shearwater – This pleasant word has nothing at all to do with homes. The word “Shearwater” principally has two meanings. A pelagic, oceangoing bird and the part of a boat at the bow where the water is “cut” or “sheared” when the boat is in motion. I imagine that most of the homeowners would be very upset to have water rushing past both sides of their mass produced homes.
9. The Preserve At Bannon Lakes – Again, the lakes are “Borrow Pits” where earth is “borrowed” for construction. I’m not sure what has been Preserved, most likely the balance of the Developer’s bank account. Owners at “The Preserve” have complained about their homes being located in the flood zone. I wonder if they had to pay extra  for “waterfront” property.
10. Deerwood Place – Boasting 192 “spacious units” on 12 acres, I can’t imagine any room for Deer, Woods or even a “place” except maybe a parking place. How do you fit 192 units on 12 acres? Simple, you stack ‘em up.