As the population in the States ages, more and more Seniors are starting to spend their “Golden Years” in planned communities in order to simplify their lives and to be able to be around people like themselves. One of the more popular ones in Florida is called “The Neighborhoods”. It’s location in Central Florida offers lots of advantages. Warm weather, proximity to a major airport and being close to Disney World for the benefit of grandchildren and younger visitors. 

“The Neighborhoods” is a super development  with every amenity imaginable and every service nearby to make life easy and entertaining for its residents. Homeowner’s Associations ensure that no one can be too “off the wall” with their decorations and things that are stored and visible at their homes. Order and Conformity are the goals in “The Neighborhoods”. Every Neighborhood has its’ own town center with regularly scheduled events for residents entertainment and enjoyment. Evenings in the Town Centers will see appropriately dressed Seniors flitting about in their Golf Carts, some carts styled to look like mini classic cars or modern sports cars. 

Predominately occupied by Republican Seniors the Political Discussions usually tend to be predictable and unchallenging. Grandmothers will gather and share stories and photos of their Darling Grandchildren and swap recipes while Grandfathers will tend to tell fishing stories and debate the relative merits of Viagra versus Cialis. 

An unexpected lifestyle “wrinkle”,if you will, has perhaps come of too vigorously use of the aforementioned male sex stimulants. There’s a LOT of fooling around in “The Neighborhoods” Free of the need to fear unwanted pregnancy and the disproportionate numbers of men versus Widows and the availability of the “Boner Drugs” has many Balding Baddies hitting on the ladies. Many “Aging Angels” and “Randy Retirees” are making up for having been a little too old for the Sexual Revolution of 70’s.

Unfortunately, lack of fertility and low sperm counts don’t help when it comes to STD’s. The senior swingers are giving each other more than a cuddle and bang in “The Neighborhoods”. Chladmydia and Gonorrhea have been rearing their ugly heads in “The Neighborhoods” for some years now. Unlike in years past, contracting and STD isn’t quite the shameful thing that it once was. It’s becoming giggled about in some of the Ladies Bridge Clubs and is almost a Badge of Honor down at the “American Legion” hall.   If you hear one of the old boys ordering a 7UP down at the Club it’s probably because the doctor has told him no more Budweiser until you finish your 10 days of penicillin.

While, for the most part, all this Senior Sex is just really good fun, there have been some downsides. “Neighborhoods” clothing stores have had a difficult time trying to stock “Intimate Apparel” for the septuagenarian and octogenarian damsels. Finding the right balance of “Come Hither” and “Don’t Look” can be problematic and bra engineering is attempting to scale new heights or, perhaps more accurately new sags. 

“The Neighborhoods” local police forces are trying to deal with swerving Golf Carts navigated by the Lushy Loatharios coming home after their clandestine assignations, sometimes as late as 8:30 or 9:00 PM! Additionally, the normally tranquil and peaceful events in the Town Centers have been increasingly turning testy when there’s a new arrival in town. There’s nothing like a Svelte and Sexy Sixty Something to bring out the remaining testosterone in the old gents looking for a new conquest. The Dapper and Demented Don Juans are ditching their sagging britches and suspenders for Spanx with tummy control, to present a virile silhouette for the ladies. Local pharmacies have already gotten used to keeping their stocks of viagra up to the task and now are rumored to be adding nitroglycerin ampules for those who over exert themselves to the point of inducing a heart attack. Some of the “Late Night Swinger’s” Clubs are keeping a Doctor on staff, sometimes doubling as a bartender. Oxygen tanks are always located near the dance floor as well.

Yes, retirement isn’t what it once was…in “The Neighborhoods” there’s a lot going on “Between the Wrinkles”.